sadness strikes

It's funny how despite my age I remain as naive as a child. I continue to build castles in the sky, living in illusions instead of reality, being positive about things when there is barely any hope... Why? Why am I doing this to myself. The fall, although deep down expected, is always hard. It hurts me... What's that in my eye now... Oh great. A tear. Just what I need. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well that's just great. Except that instead of lemoande I try to make a freakin cake and it just blows up in my face.

Why do I get attached to people? What drives me. Why can't i just be whore-ish or don't care about anything just enjoying life and blaming others when bad things happen? Why am I a good person :( Why can't I just loose these stupid restraints that hold me down while everyone else is high up and out of my reach.

I feel like I have no friends, am not really liked by anyone and noone cares wether I exist or not (family excluded, but they are supossed to care, it's their duty).

So many missed chances in my life. So many missed chances to have fun, to fool around to get experience and to become a happier person... So many... :( There are times like this I wish I'd just die. Times like these I realize I'm too fucked up inside to ever find happiness or to be stable and brave enough to do anything. Every chance I get I fuck up. Every chance I try to create I fuck it up. Every decision I have ever made by myself blew up in my face.

Should I start counting all the mistakes? Not kissing Nina (whom I liked)in elementary school... Not asking Polona or Lea out in gymnasium... Not just letting go with Nina on that trip to Rome... Asking the girl I liked to the valeta too late so she was already taken... Being a tight up jackass too afraid to talk to a person i don't know... Letting Zala go just because I was teased about her... Fucking up with Janja... Alienating Živa... Alienating Maja cause I was a jerk and she is too ''high'' to even chat... Messing around with Janja2, so she can mess around with me later making me confused and then just does what i did to her first...

God damn life full of mistakes. Regrets. No prospects for the future if this continues.
And yet I want to be happy... I want to have a girl to be at my side, to understand me and know what i need and want. And yet where to find such a creature :( WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!!!!!!!!!
I cry inside :( I know fully of my limits :( Of my wishes but no courage to make it come true.

I can predict my future you know. I'll keep studying for 2 more years, maybe 3 more years and lets say I'll be... 25? Great. 25 years old without a gf, without friends, without hobbies, without anything. :( My future. Who'd want a future like that?

How come everyone else seems to be happy? How do they manage this? Even people who have boyfriends or girlfriends living hundreds of miles away not seeing them for months are happy. Are they faking it? Why are they happy? What makes them happy?

You know I look at my facebook page. I added a few unknows of female gender which i thought i like. But why? What good will it do? Not one of them will ever go out with me. Why would they? No real reason. I get even tired of asking. Not that I asked a lot. But it's no point. The answer would always be the same.

I build castles. Like the songs says... A fanatsy.. castles in the sky... but there is nothing out there, these are castles in the air. A house of cards. Unstable, to be blown away by reality. I'd need someone i can trust fully :( So I can bounce my decisions off of them, so I can stop myself from building these castles. But how to trust people who always just betray you and hurt you. Always. And they do this because I myself force them to do it. By being me. :(

Well i just hope there is more to life then this chain of sad, unfullfiling events. Hopefully i can somehow escape this before I loose all hope and just end it all.